In its early days many people felt that Fred's News was all about teenagers. As ownership was passed from "the Brothers" to us, we felt that the place needed an updated more diverse reputation. Yes, we continued to have the "penny" candy counter for a number of years. This candy counter was an area of intrigue for our little guests. It was also an area that could easily be off limits if meals were not finished. I should of put aside a quarter every time I heard someone say, "If you want some candy then you have to eat everything!" Parents definitely need a new concept. Alas, after of few years, due to the demand for more space and the fact that "penny" candy became the victim of inflation, the beloved plate glass candy display disappeared. Other forms of blackmail appeared at Fred's News. Some were quite charming, others quite the opposite.
Father Mike purchased an antique carousel horse and donated it to the restaurant. Kathleen repainted this lovely horse, to the delight of many young children. Despite the fact it didn't move or do anything but add charm to the place, young children were fascinated with it. It soon became the best piece of blackmail in the place. Simply put,"eat everything, then and only then will you be allowed to park your butt on the horse!" For whatever reason it worked. Many, many small behinds graced that saddle. This piece of memorabilia also graced the windows of Fred's News during the hoilday season. It stood proudly along side the graceful Christmas tree, with a bright red holiday bow around it's neck. For this short festive season, the pony was off limits to little people's behinds.
Other forms of blackmail entertainment appeared and disappeared over the years at the restaurant. There was the little bank in the shape of a toilet. All one had to do was drop in a coin, press the handle to flush and.....yes, complete with the sound of a real toilet bowl flushing, the coin disappeared. Kid's loved it and it kept them occupied for awhile. Of course there were the usual forms of entertainment, crayons, coloring books, markers, stickers, matchbox type toys, even large pieces of butcher wrap paper that could be pulled and cut from the old tiger maple paper roll cutter. That, was easy fun but young people needed something more exciting, something their parents wouldn't buy for them, something no one else had.
Perhaps the strangest and most disgusting form of entertainment for all ages were the numerous "fart machines" we had acquired. Spencer's Gifts must of loved Fred's News. Let's explore the history of these devices at Fred's News. Early one morning, the crew of seniors from Franklin arrived for breakfast and coffee. Depending how many there were, was the deciding factor in where they sat. There were four that morning so they cozied up to the counter. Soon after they arrived Mrs. G strolled in and sat beside them. One of them we shall refer to as Burt, bid a good morning to Mrs. G and then sat up extremely straight as if he were in pain. Burt grabbed his lower belly as if to say "something ain't right in there!" but then as the apparent pain subsided, seemed to be all right. Over a ten minute period this continued, with conversations in between these moments. Just as people were beginning to eat and drink coffee, Burt again displayed signs of distress, only this time he lifted one side of his butt from the stool and in perfecting timing, the sound of a disgusting and loudly ripped fart graced the ears of all who were eating. Burt looked relieved, Mrs. G looked shocked and didn't appear to be breathing, probably out of fear that she might inhale the fumes from that awful gaseous sounding bit of flatulance. Burt's buddies continued to eat, talk and drink coffee as if nothing had happened. As for Bill and I, we were rolling on the floor behind the counter, laughing hysterically. This continued for a few moments until finally, the guys laughed. Burt also announced on his "final fart" he felt 100% better. "Thanks Burt but TMI! Those dip-shits had purchased a fart machine, concocted this series of events and pulled it off without a hitch. Impeccable timing, straight faces and a seemingly "ef-fart-less" performance by Burt, earned this group a place on the Fred's News Greatest Performances charts. Needless to say, a flurry of questions ensued: How could you not laugh? How did they know the precise moments to press the button so it would coincide with your perfect butt-cheek lift? And more importantly...How did you know your flatulance wouldn't offend anyone? Burt's answer to the last...everyone loves a good fart, just ask George Carlin about the audiences' reactions to all his "fart jokes." The machine that supported this great performance, soon graced the hands of little guests that behaved and ate their meals at Fred's News. It was joined by a very small "whoopie cushion" that emitted a very loud and long fart as well as the "fart goop", a clay like substance, that when kneaded in the palm of your hand and precisely pressed, produced the perfect "poop". Ah yes, classic toys for a restaurant!
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