Every Monday, the local newspaper publishes a column by Gene Weingarten. His articles are entertaining for the most part. Not to compare styles of writing, but I enjoy reading him as much as I used to enjoy reading articles by Dave Barry, published in the Sunday newspaper years ago. Two different columnists, the humor dry and at times borderline sick, yet very entertaining. A recent Monday article by Mr. Weingarten, found me seriously laughing, only because I could relate to the situations. Not having been directly involved in some of the ridiculously stupid episodes embedded in my mind, just a witness to people's insanity!
Customer who shall remain nameless, stops their vehicle in front of Fred's News, jumps out, got to have coffee and cigarettes! Re-wind for just a moment, please. I do understand, the zombie like creatures that frequented Fred's News early in the morning. Many arriving with eyes barely opened, unshaven, hair smashed against the head as a result of hours lying in the same position, sleep in the eyes and pants unzipped. No worries, their "ding willies," just as full of sleep as the the rest of the bodies, so what can't get up, won't get out! Back to zombie waiting for cigarettes and coffee....his car slowly pulling away from the curb, at about the same speed as his gait. No one notices until it slowly starts to move in a circle in front of Fred's News. Thank goodness the road is wide enough at this point and not too much traffic early on in the day. Also very amazing this stupid act did not result in injuries.
Mr. Bill and I often laugh, had we made a video of this person chasing his vehicle in a circle, we might have had a winner on America's Funniest Videos. Our visitor left his vehicle running but swears he put the thing in park. Had there been an arrest, one look at the condition of the driver, the arresting officer might have asked: "did the car drag you here as well?" For the record, our friend never did stop his car, it came to rest against the stop sign on the opposite side of the street, just feet from a fire hydrant. Now that might of been a tad bit more interesting had it hit that! I can only imagine the accident report for the insurance company.
The front windows also allowed us to view young people learning to drive, an occasional slightly inebriated citizen maneuvering the winding sidewalks of the village and one strange resident of Wayne's three-quarter way house, who decided to moon all vehicle that passed by. Some vehicles slowed to crawl, others honked and one elderly woman slammed on her brakes, parking directly in front of the driveway, as she exited her vehicle, chastising the half naked drunk, she found her way into Fred's News, "young man," she addresses Mr. Bill, "go out there and get that disgusting man exhibiting his private parts!" Mr. Bill, trying not to laugh, informs the woman the resident trooper has been summoned, he should be arriving any minute. "Not soon enough!" she wails as she slams her fist on the counter, "I will take care of this young man!" Off she goes, swinging her purse, chasing the guy trying to pull up his pants. Quite the show, cars stopped, horns honking, old woman yelling. I admit, she did get rid of the stripper, hollered at everyone that was watching, she too continued to stare at the drunk until he disappeared behind the house. Of course Fred's News filled up with inquistive people...."what the hell is going on...who is the old lady trying to cop a peek...where the hell is the trooper when you need him?" All quite valid questions, none of which were ever answered. The three-quarter way house was soon shut down...so the trooper must of been nearby...lurking!
Customer who shall remain nameless, stops their vehicle in front of Fred's News, jumps out, got to have coffee and cigarettes! Re-wind for just a moment, please. I do understand, the zombie like creatures that frequented Fred's News early in the morning. Many arriving with eyes barely opened, unshaven, hair smashed against the head as a result of hours lying in the same position, sleep in the eyes and pants unzipped. No worries, their "ding willies," just as full of sleep as the the rest of the bodies, so what can't get up, won't get out! Back to zombie waiting for cigarettes and coffee....his car slowly pulling away from the curb, at about the same speed as his gait. No one notices until it slowly starts to move in a circle in front of Fred's News. Thank goodness the road is wide enough at this point and not too much traffic early on in the day. Also very amazing this stupid act did not result in injuries.
Mr. Bill and I often laugh, had we made a video of this person chasing his vehicle in a circle, we might have had a winner on America's Funniest Videos. Our visitor left his vehicle running but swears he put the thing in park. Had there been an arrest, one look at the condition of the driver, the arresting officer might have asked: "did the car drag you here as well?" For the record, our friend never did stop his car, it came to rest against the stop sign on the opposite side of the street, just feet from a fire hydrant. Now that might of been a tad bit more interesting had it hit that! I can only imagine the accident report for the insurance company.
The front windows also allowed us to view young people learning to drive, an occasional slightly inebriated citizen maneuvering the winding sidewalks of the village and one strange resident of Wayne's three-quarter way house, who decided to moon all vehicle that passed by. Some vehicles slowed to crawl, others honked and one elderly woman slammed on her brakes, parking directly in front of the driveway, as she exited her vehicle, chastising the half naked drunk, she found her way into Fred's News, "young man," she addresses Mr. Bill, "go out there and get that disgusting man exhibiting his private parts!" Mr. Bill, trying not to laugh, informs the woman the resident trooper has been summoned, he should be arriving any minute. "Not soon enough!" she wails as she slams her fist on the counter, "I will take care of this young man!" Off she goes, swinging her purse, chasing the guy trying to pull up his pants. Quite the show, cars stopped, horns honking, old woman yelling. I admit, she did get rid of the stripper, hollered at everyone that was watching, she too continued to stare at the drunk until he disappeared behind the house. Of course Fred's News filled up with inquistive people...."what the hell is going on...who is the old lady trying to cop a peek...where the hell is the trooper when you need him?" All quite valid questions, none of which were ever answered. The three-quarter way house was soon shut down...so the trooper must of been nearby...lurking!
This story reminds me of a favorite saying of mine; developed in my boating years especially when trying to set an anchor...it goes something like this: Sometimes you watch the show, sometimes you ARE the show!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, the shows we witnessed were amazing!
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