A Day in the Life of a Toaster

Did you ever go into a restaurant for the first time and immediately look around? If you have, what is the first thing you look at. Yes, the menu, but aside from that, what do you look at? Do you look to see how neat and clean everything is? What type of people are working? What about the equipment they are using, is it new, clean, falling apart? Alright, maybe I am critical but it is the nature of the beast. Try to think of it in a crazy sort of way, you know, "if only the walls could talk?" I know, strange but what the hell. Go a step further, what if the equipment could talk. Hey it works for some...you ever see the movie "CARS". Those "cutezy" little vehicles talked, why not a coffee pot, a blender, or perhaps the toaster. Maybe we should rethink the toaster thing, we could of been brought up on freakin assault charges if our toasters had talked!!! Let me say, if you have never had the opportunity to buy commercial grade restaurant equipment, then you might not understand why everyone always keeps old equipment just for parts. Buying new every time something went wrong, would of meant having to promise your first born as payment. Sorry, I am beginning to write like I talk! Yes, the toaster...it's too bad no one ever told Eric, you butter the nooks and crannies AFTER it comes out of the toaster. Oh Kathleen, those Christmas ornaments you made from burnt toast were absolutely "country chic adorable" and a clever way to recycle...Fred's News goes green! How could one forget Matthew R. His first day as toast person, he was talking with "Daddy" (his name for Bill and yes, I was "Mommy), not paying attention, when the smoke alarm went off. Matthew R. still insists no one told him that the little lever on the front released the latch that popped the toast up. Of course how silly, at that point, it didn't matter. Those babies were even too burnt for "country chic adorable" ornaments. Now, think about the toaster as an object that might come to life, that little lever would be comparable to a tongue. So, you might say, "Matthew R. ripped that poor baby's tongue out...Assault! As if that wasn't enough, Matthew R. tried to pry out the burnt bread with a metal knife while it was still plugged in. If "Daddy" hadn't glanced over just in time, Matthew R. might have become the perfect "country chic adorable" ornament for the tree top!! As the smoke cleared, customers stopped laughing, smoke alarms were reset and Matthew R. stopped hyper-ventilating...he gasped and so did the toaster. Assault with a deadly weapon! It was then we found out..during this thirty seconds of utter chaos, his ring had slipped off. Yes, he announced the toaster had "swallowed" his ring. Oh bastard, now what? Somewhere in our storage was another older wiser toaster, praying to the "toaster Gods", "please don't let them find me, I am old, all I have left is my tongue!!" True to its' form, "the old boy" performed without a hitch for the remainder of the day. We had to promise the "toaster Gods" Matthew R. would not even look at it.

As the day ended and the evening shadows consumed Fred's News, in walked "Johann the Nephew..Great"! He had witnessed the assault on the little toaster earlier in the day. It was quite obvious it no longer had a tongue and was suffering from the toaster form of "black lung disease". Johann's first question: "Did you get the ring out?" "No! Daddy hollered. "Yes" Mommy contradicted. Too late, Johann offered to FIX it. I had nightmares for week after he unscrewed the stainless plates that held that baby together. He then proceeded to turn it upside down and shake it. At least a hundred pieces of springs, screws, electrical caps, nuts, bolts and oh yes, one ring fell out of that poor thing. Daddy looked on horrified, "what the f@#% Johann, now what are we going to do?" "No problem, piece a cake" Yeah, about three hours later and with at least a dozen pieces no longer needed...according to Johann, it worked. I have no idea how or why but it worked. The little toaster was not the only one praying to the "toaster Gods" that day!!